What happens is not as important as how you react to what happens.

Being one generally thought of by others, as well as myself, as relatively emotionally strong, resilient and mature, it is difficult to consider myself to ever be in ‘need’ of anything outside of my own inner resources. And though these things may well be true – which is likely why ‘fate’ has prepared me and placed me in my present familial position today – even the strongest amongst us are not INVINSIBLE.

Have you ever noticed how, when you’re carrying a load, that the farther you carry it, and the steeper the terrain, the heavier it gets? You may be able to bench press a certain amount of weight during an exercise session very competently. But pick up that loaded barbell and start carrying it with you everywhere you go, all day, every day. The weight will soon become quite unmanageable. No doubt, everyone knows well that ‘loads’ don’t always consist of physical weight – the same principle applies to emotional loads as well.

Almost 2 years ago, necessity and familial responsibilities demanded a DRASTIC change in my lifestyle…almost overnight. Sparing the details, it seemed I was up for the task at hand, and I performed admirably for the first 8 months or so, when I began to falter somewhat under the unrelenting load. A wonderful weekend trip with a close friend the following spring served as a sort of wake-up call and warning that I needed to make some changes relating to caring for myself amidst these constant demands. As often happens with such dramatic experiences, in time, the drama of the experience faded and became lost once again in the daily grind of things and I fell back into old habits all too quickly.

By late summer of last year, I was beginning to realize I might need some added support. I had a complete physical – probably the first since I was a teen – to be sure I wasn’t bordering on a major heart attack or stroke, or dying of cancer or something. I mentioned the stress in my life and the doctor started me on an antidepressant called Lexapro, which he said was also for anxiety. After just 2 weeks on the stuff, I was suffering migraine headaches on a DAILY basis, was feeling somewhat ‘disconnected’ mentally, tired and totally unmotivated – in a nutshell, was feeling worse than I was BEFORE I went on it. I weaned myself off it and came to the conclusion that even these modern medications were just not suitable for me. My day job requires creative thinking and an ability to keep up with details, while my responsibilities at home require energy and motivation, and the medication shut down ALL those things I needed to function. Hence, I erroneously concluded that all similar medications were created equal and the medication route just wasn’t for me.

As problems and stresses and demands continued to mount, I continued to stagger into a state of virtual uselessness. My life seemed to be becoming a living hell of overwhelming demands from which there was no escape and no rest. I found myself angry all the time and losing my temper on a daily basis. I gained 20 lbs in 3 months (that alone should have been a major wakeup call). My digestive system stayed in constant turmoil – regardless of what or how much I ate, I was ALWAYS sick. Tension headaches became a daily routine, many of which could rival any migraine in severity.

A few weeks ago, I finally broke. Fearing the certainty of developing some major serious physical disorders/reactions from this constant and now unbearable stress, I succumbed once more to a visit to my physician, requesting to try some different sort of medication. Whatever the side effects, I would find a way to deal with them – NOTHING could be worse than how I was feeling at that time.

He gave me some samples of a relatively new anxiety/depression medication, called Cymbalta, which, like many similar medications before it, works by balancing the action of chemical receptors in the brain – though this new one was touted to effect not only one, but THREE of these chemical receptors. He was all gaga about the success he’s had from prescribing it so far – I was only mildly encouraged. I started with a 30mg dosage for 7 days – would then progress to 60mg per day thereafter.

The first few days were indeed, uncomfortable. I had a constant, though not severe, tension headache at the base of my skull. I had some trouble sleeping at night and was very tired. When going up a flight of stairs, my legs felt like jello and would be trembling uncontrollably by the time I reached the top. Then there was nausea – no vomiting, just nausea (bad enough). Desperately hoping these symptoms would subside with time, I opted to stick it out a bit longer.

By the 6th day on the 30 mg dosage, most of the symptoms had indeed, almost completely disappeared. Last weekend, after only my first week on the 60mg maintenance dosage, I felt I was riding the winds of emotional bliss! NOTHING was bothering me anymore, not even my mare’s boisterous antics under saddle – not even my grandson’s hyperactivity, laziness and outbursts of temper and emotional instability – not even the outrageous list of things that needed to be done and the knowing that there is no more time to get it done now than there was a month ago. For the first time in almost 2 years, I felt like ME again – hell, maybe even BETTER than me! Nothing fazed me – I handled everything with calmness, and downright bewildering tact and kindness and wisdom.

Emotionally, things that seemed so ‘monumental’ a month ago seem so relatively insignificant now. I’m able to see things in perspective, in a way that was just not possible in my former frame of mind. It’s not so much that nothing matters, as that I can see it in the perspective of its PROPER level of importance. The anger, irritability and resentment are completely gone. I’ve not only NOT lost my temper, but also have hardly done as much as raise my voice (except on a couple of occasions with the mares – with ornery mares in spring heat, raising the voice is occasionally necessary to protect one’s life).

Physically, the muscle weakness is completely gone. I’ve had not even ONE digestive upset since the 4th day I started the medication – not ONE (these were not only DAILY before, but several TIMES daily). I figured out that the nausea seems to come from an empty stomach. My appetite has decreased noticeably – not that I don’t get hungry, but rather that I feel quite full and satisfied after just a very small amount. Yet, if I don't eat again once my stomach has emptied, the nausea reappears. The simple solution was to eat regularly, and keep some crackers on hand. I’ve lost 12 lbs in the past 3 weeks…and I’m NOT dieting. I’m making a conscious effort to avoid REGULAR consumption of sweets (not cutting them out altogether, just being prudent) and that’s it! The medication has decreased my appetite to the point that I feel full when I SHOULD and I stop eating when I feel full. I eat again when I get hungry – whatever I feel like eating. I have no more cravings and no more compulsive eating. And since my motivation to live life to the fullest has returned, I’ve taken up exercising regularly on that new treadmill (I LOVE it!).

There have been no more headaches – migraine, tension, or otherwise. No more unconsciously clenching the teeth (hence, nor more jaw pain). Another peculiar side effect (?) is that my allergies have significantly subsided. I have bad days, but they are much fewer and farther between, whereas before, it was a DAILY affliction. This is a fitting testament to the effects of stress on the body and allergic reactions (which is basically just an overactive and slightly confused immune system).

My sleep patterns have changed noticeably. Normally inclined to be a ‘night’ person who has great difficulty waking in the mornings, I find myself getting very sleepy around 9 or 10pm (I take the medication in the mornings). And after 6-7 hrs of sleep, I wake up – no alarm clock, no wakeup call, I just wake up – and amazingly, I’m not at all groggy or sluggish, I’m AWAKE and ready to go! (This phenomenon is TOTALLY out of character for ME!)

Mentally, I find myself more alert, creative and able to concentrate than ever before! No trace of that ‘disconnected’ feeling, no sleepiness or sluggishness, no ‘fog’ that was so familiar on other similar medications.

The family? They are convinced Cymbalta was created and sent to earth by the very hand of God himself. It has been rather eye opening for me to see how much my own mood was affecting everyone else in the house. There have been numerous occasions in just this past week where my mom has remarked, “You have been so SWEEEET lately!”

Kendall is still a handful of energy and emotional turmoil, but oddly, regardless of what any given situation with him calls for, it seems I instinctively know exactly what to do and how to do it. (Did I ALWAYS know, and was just in too much turmoil to ‘connect’ with that part of my inner self?)

All this absurdly long post to say…
I KNOW there must be others out there, who, like me, are struggling to hold their own in a demanding and often unkind world – and who, for one reason or another, are having difficulty admitting they may need some assistance, be it from medication, therapy, or whatever. Take it from me – you are no more invincible than I was. And there is no shame in admitting that…to yourself or anyone else. You may think you are handling it, but believe me, everyone around you knows you’re NOT. Once things get balanced out in your brain, you’ll realize how far gone you were, and it will frighten you to realize how oblivious you were to that fact.

If you’re staggering under your load, whatever it may be, get help. And if one thing doesn’t work, try something else until you find something that does. You’ll be glad you did. And so will everyone else.

Sunday sermon over. We’re going out to enjoy the sunshine and two muddy, ornery mares!