What happens is not as important as how you react to what happens.

Sojourner ventures out of her box once again, in a bold commentary likely invoking much drama, generally uncharacteristic of this blog.

I read a blog Friday night, of a long time Mindsay friend, daysgoneby . This particular post was in reference to her troubling relationship with a long time friend of hers, chitownfreak25.

I’ve never met any of these folks in person – I know them only through our acquaintances and interactions here on Mindsay. Thus, the following opinions are based on no more factual evidence than this, so take it for what it’s worth – which may well be nothing. But this entire subject has hit a chord in my own heart, due to some of my own personal circumstances, which I will share later on in this post.

chitownfreak25  is a precious young lady with a severe and ongoing mental illness. I’ve been following her blog ever since I joined Mindsay over 2 years ago, and though I don’t personally know Emily, I’ve been left with the impression that she is a person who is in constant emotional need, and who needs to be the center of attention in most all circumstances. In Emily’s defense, these characteristics are supposedly very common to personality disorders such as hers.

Sadly, what I have gathered after following Emily’s sharing of her personal story through her blog posts over the past years, it seems no matter what constructive recourse or counsel she receives from anyone, it is inevitably rejected, and she continues upon her purposed path of self-destruction. It seems that many of her oldest friends who have known her far better than I, believe that though she is repeatedly offered opportunities to make better choices that might enable her to overcome her disease, she chooses to remain a victim instead. As in many circumstances in many peoples’ lives, it is generally easier to surrender to the adversary than to purpose to overcome it.

In many such relationships with such afflicted people, there are those friends and family who determine to always pander to the constant demands of the afflicted one, simply because that is the easier approach – and there are those who believe that the only way to truly help the afflicted one is to show them the higher path…the path which requires something of them…the path that forces them to face the realities in their life and to accept responsibility for their own choices with regards to those realities. In some circles, this stance is referred to as ‘tough love.’ It is a form of love that demands great personal sacrifice and great strength of character, from both the one giving and the one receiving – because the giver understands that the only true and lasting way out of the personal darkness of the afflicted one is through discovering, harnessing and utilizing their own inner strengths.

After reading this particular entry from daysgoneby , I visited chitownfreak25  to see if I might catch up on whatever drama prompted this heated exchange between a number of bloggers. I noticed an entry by Emily that referred to a post by laturvey, which was basically voicing his own personal opinion that such ‘tough love’ may not be in Emily’s best interests. Yet, like many of us, laturvey's  knowledge of Emily and her personal issues is based only upon what she shares from her perspective in this blogosphere. As featherdawn  stated in a reply to laturvey's post, things can often be much more complex in a three-dimensional world. Thus, laturvey's criticism of the reactions and advice of many of Emily’s friends was met with equally heated criticism of his own, simplistic suggestions for the wisest manner with which to respond to Emily’s needs.

Similarly, some months ago, laturvey left a number of sympathetic responses to my own daughter’s blog, cheezegirl, in which she was berating her mother (me) for not ‘being there’ for her, etc., etc. Again, all he, or anyone else could know about her situation, was only what she chose to reveal from her own perspective – which at that time was from the perspective of a crack addict, a sex addict and a fugitive of the justice system. Little could anyone know of the hell she has put herself and her entire family through over the past 5 or 6 years, the COUNTLESS opportunities given and promptly spurned, money stolen from her own grandmother and children to support her drug habits, her children’s lives forever changed by her disease and her rejection, and I could go on and on. Such complex family problems simply cannot be effectively overcome by simplistic and ignorant applications of unconditional grace. My daughter is now serving time for her latest crimes, prompted, as always, by her addictions. And ‘mother’ has been there for her every step of the way, from regular visits to the county jail, to being with her and her lawyer the day of her sentencing, and beyond. I have not been, nor will I EVER ‘be there’ to support her self-destructive behaviors, but I will ALWAYS be there offering her every possible opportunity to obtain a lasting recovery.

So am I saying daysgoneby's  approach to Emily and her issues is right and laturvey's  is wrong? Could it be possible that perhaps BOTH approaches have a valid place in meeting Emily’s deepest needs?

The support and manner of love administered by daysgoneby  is serving a very real and definitive purpose in offering genuine help to Emily. Yet on the other hand, I believe laturvey's  unconditional grace may also have a place in leading and encouraging Emily toward personal empowerment. Different people in different people’s lives each serve a different purpose. Some are called to show simple mercy, others called to challenge the loved one towards a higher way, not with coddling, but with bold honesty. Perhaps both means of support are needful, both serving a distinctive purpose in laying a foundation for the troubled individual’s recovery.

That said, may we each rise to whatever purpose we may be called, in the support of our friends and loved ones. And let each of us follow the path of our own conscience, without fear of the criticism or judgments of others, whose callings may be different, yet just as useful in their own way, as our own.

Loosely paraphrased, "For everything there is a season"… and a vehicle for every purpose under heaven. Thus sayeth King Solomon and the Sojourner.