God help me...I am becoming a 'redneck.' Or at least it would seem so to all APPEARANCES. Though not yet sporting the appliances on the porches, or a retired antique vehicle on concrete blocks, I have now been reduced to having to hold my vehicle together with duck tape.

My old 1984 Dodge pickup has seen better days. It's a full size pickup built on a chassis and powered by a big souped up engine, equipped to haul 3,000 pounds of horse flesh from here to there and everywhere. Though I've never been able to scrape up enough extra cash to invest in a horse trailer in which to put the 3,000 pounds of horse (my 2 mares TOGETHER would be just a little over HALF that weight), it has been immeasurably useful as an all-round utility farm and work truck, hauling countless bales of hay, livestock and domestic feeds, furniture, appliances, etc.

My ex-husband bought it for me somewhere in the neighborhood of 8-10 years ago, from a friend of mine who had bought it in New Jersey, brand new off the lot. Though she had put the miles on it, she had taken immaculate care of it, so it was well worth the price of $1500. It's only 'issues' were an automatic window on the driver's side that no longer worked and a small dent along the bed wall where some goof ball ran into it in a parking lot.

Since then, it has not been afforded the luxury of a garage or carport. Though we had a nice automobile shelter adequate for 3 vehicles while still married and living with the ex, the shelter area was reserved for my ex's fine vehicle, tractor and junked truck. My automobile (sort of like me) were always at the bottom of his priority list and left to fend for themselves against the elements. Thus, the exterior finish has taken a substantial beating -- most of it is still THERE, it's just rather dulled. I don't wash it for fear that what paint is there will come off under such duress, so I now consider the accumulation of dirt and debris more as an added layer of protection that brands the truck as a tried and true UTILITY vehicle that actually WORKS for a living.

My truck has NEVER cared for cold weather. Whenever the temp falls to below 60, we begin to have starting 'issues' in the mornings. God only knows how much gas I've burned in the driveway just to get it going, and depending upon just how cold is cold, it has been known to chug and cough half way to the office. And oh, does it love to drink the gas! And not CHEAP gas mind you -- if it's not the highest quality, highest octane available, it sputters out altogether.

Over the years, the exterior has acquired a couple of more very small dents and scratches, but nothing substantial. Years ago, someone keyed a 4-letter word onto the area over the left tire. I've always assumed the assailant to have been an angry ex-coworker out for revenge because soon after a layoff in which we both lost our jobs, I was re-hired and she wasn't -- she had a reputation of keying cars when angry.

The automatic locks stopped working soon after I got the truck but that was OK. I was notorious for locking my keys up in my vehicles -- I did that once while the car was running with my baby parrot inside -- ran out almost an entire tank of gas waiting for the locksmith to arrive to the rescue. The built-in AM/FM radio stopped picking up FM stations years ago. That's OK too, since the ride is generally so noisy it was hard to hear the radio anyway. The AC shut down about 3 summers ago. Who'd have ever thought I could survive South Carolina summers without AC?! It's amazing what you can endure when you have no better options at your disposal. Though I could not afford to get the AC back up and going, I did have to fork out enough to repair the automatic windows though. I was able to swing the $150 to get those going but had to put off repairing the automatic locks for another day.

I've acquired some very innovative techniques for dealing with the heat issues. First, I choose my parking spaces wisely, always on the lookout for trees. Since the finish is about gone anyway, tree sap and bird droppings are of no concern to me, it's the SHADE I'm coveting. In the parking lot where I work there is only one tree. Since another co-worker had claimed its shade long before I was assigned that parking lot, I opted to park on the grass next to her, under the same tree. I'm sure I'm cussed by the lawn maintenance folks when they can't get to the grass beneath my fine antique -- if they have left any commentary on the paint like the ex-coworker from years ago, I haven't noticed it. I bought a clip-on fan that plugs into the cigarette lighter for unbearably hot days when I MUST drive in the hottest parts of the day, though I'm usually able to plan errands, etc. around the hottest daytime hours. Last summer, I also stumbled upon an incredible INTERNAL AC system -- eating ICE!!! Take along a cup of tiny ice cubes or crushed ice while driving in the heat and munch it continuously -- it cools you from the inside out and it's effectiveness is PHENOMENAL!!! There have been many trips I'm quite sure I could not have survived had it not been for my trusty insulated jug full of ice!

The door on the driver's side has been giving me fits for years. It rarely closes completely -- some problem with the hinge that supposedly would cost an arm and leg to repair. There have been a couple of times when it would not shut at all -- once I had to secure it with a dog leash from the floorboard. Last time, I had to drive 12 miles home with one hand while holding the door shut with the other, until I could get to someone who could make some adjustments on it. It now seems that running over the countless potholes in our county's road system has jarred something very vital loose inside the door -- the inside frame is now coming loose from the outside frame and the small, roll-out window at the front will not longer close, due to the misalignment of the inner and outer frames. I've wondered if said misalignment may have something to do with what sounds like a short or something in the automatic locks that have never worked -- if you push one down, it goes crazy with clicking and bouncing until you pull on it. By some inexplicable miracle, I've recently managed to get the door to close if I hold my mouth just right, so am now committed to entering and exiting from the passenger side to avoid further stressing the door until I can come across some extra money (income tax returns are my only hope) to repair it. The only way I've found effective of breaking the habit of opening and closing it however, has been to cover the inside and outside handles with duck tape. The useful gray tape also worked well sealing off the part of the uncloseable window so that rain will no longer flood my floorboard. Now, the window on the passenger's side has quit working again, so if God does not bless me with a magical moment when there's enough spark to the wiring to get it back up, I suppose the duck tape will be useful in securing a clear plastic window in preparation for the next monsoon.

Now, with all it's faults exposed, in the truck's defense, let me just say that most importantly, it's PAID for. The insurance is cheap and taxes are virtually nothing. I take it to a trusted mechanic who tunes things, changes oil, repairs belts, checks/replaces fluids, etc. every 6 months, and tells me what kind of problems he may see looming in the near future. It's expensive to replace the huge 16" tires but I've found a great place where I can get 2 good tires for half the normal price anywhere else, so I get 2 new ones every couple of years and rotate the old ones to the back. Only 2 out the 10 years I've owned it has this old truck cost me over $250 per year to maintain -- and that is including the regular diet of 10W40 motor oil it requires on a regular basis, between oil changes. One year I had to have $400 worth of carburetor work done (I think most of that money was actually pocketed by a dishonest mechanic and little work was actually done to the truck) and another year I had to have the brakes replaced (at about the same cost). Most folks I know are paying at least that much just to drive their fancy new vehicles every MONTH...and that DOESN'T include taxes and insurance. 

It wasn't until very recently that I realized just how well-loved my truck was among others who have become acquainted with it. One morning at work, someone came through declaring a transfer truck had gone through the parking lot fence where I parked my truck. I anxiously ran to the canteen to see if I could survey the damage from a window. I was halfway to the canteen when I noticed that my entire department was following me -- all 9 of my co-workers -- seems they were as concerned for my truck's well being as I was! Turns out the transfer truck went through the fence at the other end of the parking lot -- my truck rested unscathed on its little patch of shady grass. My supervisor was encouraging me on the way back to our work area by saying that even if it had been damaged, I could've collected insurance and replaced it with another just like it. In unison, about 3 of my co-workers proclaimed in response to that remark, "There IS no other truck like THAT one!!!"

So is it time to retire the trusty old truck in shame and replace it with another? Taking into account my financial condition that's not really an option. So we drive on, duck tape and clear plastic window replacement flapping in the breeze. Do I hide behind my sunglasses in shame? NEVER!!! I sit tall and proud in my tattered upholstered seat. This old truck has been more faithful and dependable to me than any PERSON has ever been (except for my wonderful dad). Though age has caused some aesthetic compromise, and conveniences now falter, the old Ram still gives me its all and gets me there and back safely, for a lot less monthly costs than its new and flashy counterparts. We are a team, this old Ram and I...for better or worse...for richer or poorer...in sickness and in health...to death do us part.