Tonight was the annual school Christmas program. Our kind neighbor was able to get Kendall to the school in time for the final rehearsal. I was running late because of work but was able to see most of the program. I was there for several mins before he spotted me -- I could see a very definitive change in his demeanor once he realized he had a family member in the audience. The role that circumstances have demanded that I assume in the rearing of my grandson are often daunting and I have many weary moments, but to see his face light up so completely as he did tonight, just because I’m "there," does seem to make the sacrifices worthwhile.

I stood there leaned against the wall and got quite lost in the moment actually -- intently watching all those young 4th grade faces as they performed their carefully rehearsed program. I watched my grandson, every move, every unconscious gesture, every expression. What was he thinking? What was he feeling? Where and how does he fit himself into his view of the world around him? He’s known fear and hunger and abandonment, rejection and uncertainty in his early years, that no child should ever have to know.

Slowly, my gaze began to wander to the other children’s faces -- some bubbly, some shy and self-conscious, some self-conscious but determined not to let it show (though it did), some bored, some cocky -- most just looked very hungry for affirmation and approval. What REALLY lay beneath these carefully constructed facades? What secrets did their nervous giggles hide? What shame? What promise did their futures hold, what fate? What are THEIR families like? What kinds of issues do these other young innocents grapple with?

What will the world be like when they are 51 and watching their own grandchildren’s Christmas programs? Which handsome young man will grow up and murder his wife and unborn child? Who will be the judge or jury who brings him to justice? Who will be the writer, the director, the next Johnny Depp? Who will be the soldier, the policeman, the gangster, the addict, the dealer, the doctor? Who will lose their life in a tragic auto accident, or to a merciless disease, or to a thief in the night? Who will live to give hope to the hopeless, like Mother Theresa or Chris Reeve? Who will grow up to govern a nation? Who will grow up to destroy one? Most will grow up to be very ordinary people who live very ordinary lives...whatever ORDINARY is.

Dear Lord, the far away places a mind can wander during a short 30-minute school Christmas program. I was listening to their little songs...I really was, and I smiled and clapped as they finished each part. But my mind was so far away, in another sense, probing deep within their varied expressions, gazing into all those young eyes, trying to so hard to catch perhaps just a glimpse of the persons inside all those little ‘child-houses’ -- just a glimpse of the adult in the making...the adult they would someday be. How could anyone ever do harm to such innocent creatures as these -- either deliberate, intentional harm or harm through neglect? Such monstrosities are just beyond my ability to fathom.

My friends are right...I really DO think too much.

The killer cold from hell seems to have finally decided it had sucked all the life out of me it that it was going to get and thus moved on to greener pastures. It is BITTERLY cold outside tonight -- mid to high 20s -- for a typical Southern hayseed such as myself, that’s COOOOOLD!!! I’ve had the fireplace going full-blast since settling in for the evening and STILL cannot get warm. I think it’s time to go pop my Tylenol Flu Nighttime dose (hey, ‘voidindarkness’...this stuff ROCKS!!!), chase it with some hot chocolate and wrap myself up like a worm in a cocoon. I’ll try not to think too much for the rest of the evening. (*grins* as she tries not to analyzes the core meaning of that statement...)