What happens is not as important as how you react to what happens.

Ahoy, mateys! In me search fer how the hell one’s ta talk like a pirate, seein’s how me mentor and favorite pirate of all time, Cap’n Jack, is one of the more literate and sophisticated of’n the pirate breed, me took a stroll over ta that Cap’n Slappy place ta see if I could pick up some pointers on how ta talk like the less sophisticated of’n the pirate society.

Now, me aint inclined ta take much issue with’n Cap’n Slappy on nary a subject, ‘ceptn his obscene and udderly uncalled for comment on the parrot issue. Me fer one, is all fer a ‘Talk Like a Parrot Day,’ and me masturbatin’ parrot, Nort is in total agreements here. And fer ye information, Cap’n Slappy that was the PARROT singin’ at the damn Jimmy Buffet concert. What kinda authenticated pirate would say a blasphemin’ thing such as “The best parrots are the ‘stuffed/dead’ ones?!” AAARRRRRRRR!!! And take note, Cap’n Slappy, that was typed in ALL CAPS.

Me is thinkin’ this Cap’n Slappy feller could be some sort o’ imposture er somethin’, cause no true pirate would dare to say such a thing. Let me hereby make it known amongst the brethren, a challenge has been issued. Me be gettin’ over this here cold real soon now. The next time our ships be seein’ each other in some unfortunate port town ripe fer the plunderin,’ me and me fine feathered parrot here be takin’ ya on Cap’n Slappy, 2 on 1…me may even let me parrot take ya on all by herself, cause me thinks she could take ya on with one wing tied behind her back. Better be gettin’ yer swash buckled up real good, Cap’n!

And in case ye didn’t KNOW, Cap’n Slappy, The Golden Nasal Polyp is the name of me OWN fine ship. So don’t be gettin’ no ideas of takin the name on for some wussy sailboat ye looted off’n some poor sucker down there off the Bahamian beach. er you’ll be lookin’ at ANOTHER tangle with me parrot, and me don’t thinks that when she gets done with ya in our next encounter, that there’ll be enough of ya left to make too good a showin’ at a SECOND duel.

Now that me made me formal statement on behalf of pirates and parrots everywhere across the seas (and countin’ all thems in the prisons too, poor dogs), and in honor of the most honorable ‘Talk Like a Pirate Day,’ me be goin’ to find some more cold remedy fer me golden nasal polyps.

“Norton! WHERE’S the RUM?!”