I DETEST all forms of weakness (that is, weakness born of laziness or lack of courage and/or fortitude). I hate being vulnerable and I hate being dependant upon anyone or anyTHING other than myself and my own dogged determination to not be overcome by circumstances. I tend to hold things inside far beyond the point of being healthy to do so, if not to convince others, then to convince myself that "I can handle it!" -- whatever 'it' may be. I HATE being dependant on medication for any reason, especially medicines that toy with my brain chemistry like anti-depressants and pills for anxiety. But alas, the inevitable has happened. I broke down emotionally this week and succomed to a doctor visit for some medical assistance. It's been over 20 years since I felt this desperate. 

"Can you tell me something of the circumstances that have brought you to this point?" the doctor asked.

Let's begin with the stress of radical life changes that took place in the spring and summer of 2003, and the subsequent and ONGOING stress and demands of literally carrying an entire majorly dysfunctional family, BY MYSELF, physically, financially, emotionally and spiritually. To be more specific: caring for an aging mother, raising a 9 year old boy (10 this month), helping my daughter recover from drug addiction and get her life back in order (she's living here too), while helping counsel her in her relationship with her boyfriend, providing transportation for everyone, maintaining livestock and a small farm, renovating a huge old house that this time last year would have been condemned by the Health Dept had we dared to submit to an inspection. All this while trying to hold down a full-time 40+ hr per week, somewhat stressful job with hours that SUCK. And if that's not enough, bored good-ole-boy locals can't find any better methods of thrill seeking that to destroy rural route mailboxes (we had 2 stolen in less than a week) -- all my pond fish died of some weird disease, presumably blood fin (it is apparant there is still SOMEthing living and swimming in there -- it's constantly bumping the underside of the water lilies and eating the goldfish food I continue to toss in -- can't see it for the algea).

Well, I could rant on quite a bit more, but that would defeat the entire purpose of this entry, which was to bask in the afterglow of an absolutely perfect day. And as I sit here at the day's end, in the midst of the hundreds of truly IMPORTANT tasks that  truly NEED to be completed but were not -- in the midst of the frustration with the overload of overwhelming responsibilities and personal demands placed upon me by well meaning but utterly thoughtless, inconsidereate and downright LAZY family members, I find it odd that I'm sitting here experiencing a most peculiar feeling of comfort. Needful things have not been done, nor am I sure where I will find the time to do them tomorrow or the next day -- and in this moment, it doesn't seem to matter so much. The house is a mess, I'm overweight and woefully out of shape and in need of a physical overhaul, there's no money in the bank, so many things need to be fixed, repaired or replaced, I'm still taken for granted and taken advantage of. Yet still, in the midst of all this 'stuff,' I am overwhelmed with a sense that, at least in this moment, all is well with the world -- or with mine anyway.

It was a gorgeous fall day. We ate spaghetti and some brownies that my mom made. We rode the horses and started them over some homemade jumps (fallen tress too heavy to move -- might as well get some USE out of them). My horse tried to buck me off one time and my grandson thought it was hilarious so we both laughed. We finished with a trail ride around the neighbor's park. After riding we walked around the barnyard picking up pretty shaped and colored fall leaves. We brought them in and placed them on wax paper and put books on them so we could press and save them. We walked the dogs and got our baths. As bedtime approaches, my daughter's at work flipping burgers for Wendy's unti close. Her manager will bring her home -- she'll come in and take the dogs for a walk before getting her some leftover spaghetti and surfing the Internet. Mom is in bed with her favorite book. Grandson is tucked snuggly in bed with his cat curled by his head. I sit before the almighty boob tube watching Sandra Bullock try to be a beauty queen (I LOVE Sandra Bullock). There is a sleeping cat by my right shoulder and another by my left shoulder -- a sleeping dog in the easy chair next to the couch and a sleeping dog at my feet -- a fat grey parrot lazily scratching her head with her eyes half closed. I can hear the horses contentedly muching thier hay while being seranaed by singing frogs and crickets. There is a cool fall breeze wafting through the windows and my flannel throw feels so cozy.

What a whiney, self-centered, long-winded and probably quite BORING entry! There are no doubt many spelling and gramatical errors that I'm too lazy to proof or correct. And yet, I don't feel guilty! Perhaps the point of this evening's moments of reflection as I face the beginning of a new week is that sometimes, it is OK to admit weakness and seek help from outside ourselves. Perhaps, there are times when a momentary pity party is OK. Perhaps it just comes down to the reality that no one and no set of circumstances is perfect, nor should we be too terribly dismayed when we realize that we and our lives TOO are infected with this universal imperfection. And that in the midst of our discomfort with all these many imperfections, we can still find comfort and solice in the small things, the small pleasures, so often overlooked and taken for granted.

At any rate, by now I've probably bored all visiting bloggers to tears, if they've lasted this far into this blog. So here's my writing tip for the day: swallow your pride, visit your doctor, get some Lexapro and Atavan, and you TOO can write like this. HAHA and a goofy grin. Time to kick back with a good book. With any luck, I'll be snoozing fast and hard before the local news comes on,